I had this sudden urge last night to dig some old records long kept in the closet. It was right in there, contained in my old converse chuck Taylor shoe box, so nostalgic. Got hold of the Melloncollie and the Infinite Sadness album of Smashing Pumpkins, my God, that was 1995, still in high school and addicted to Billy Corgan. For whatever reason, Zero became an anthem, “I’m your lover, I’m your zero, I’m the face in your dreams of glass…wanna go for a ride?” it was so euphoric, just sitting in the floor, with Billy Corgan’s wail on the background, dreaming about better days… Wake up, wake up! I don’t know if I’m in a better position now to talk about the recent break-up of my four-year relationship. I’m trying not to be melodramatic you know. God, four years is relatively long. Ours was really a tough case to break, what can I say. For all its worth, no regrets, I think I can bet my life in saying that I really loved well, even beyond myself. I did everything that I can do, even turned around several times just to make it work. but then it’s a relationship, and if the other one stop relating, the end is inevitable. We really had good times together though and maybe when we will look back from all these, I wish I will be remembered as somebody who sees through him and understands him, more than anybody does, and maybe more than he understands himself. Sorry to disappoint those who expect hateful words or curses and hell, I’d rather throw all those words in the black hole. I want to remember the good old person I used to know and fell in love with; simple, honest, and uncomplicated. I still say thank you. Until now, i could only say so much about its lessons, or just about its demise. May it be profound or mundane; I guess I'm learning, little by little, that we decide what our lives are going to be. Things happen to us, but it is our reactions that matter. I remember this episode in Felicity where Felicity’s high school teacher told her “I guess when your heart gets broken, you sort of start to see the cracks in everything. I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us, and that our mission is to never let it.” I don’t want to be hardened. I’d rather be whole than hard. As I look at myself now, I feel better, maybe because I was able to come out from all of these stronger and whole. I’m slightly bent but I hope into a better shape. I am still wearing the same sweet smile and the beautiful soul. It’s over and done and maybe when I look back about this, perhaps I will just say, “piece of cake.” God, I feel all grown up! I’ll get myself another cup of coffee.
