Anthem for the Day

Between apathy and occasional pain in the aorta, I rediscovered the song composed by Yan Yuzon of the Mongols, It’s over. Oh well, what can I say. If I will ever write a song or a poem, this would be IT.

IT’S OVER

Felt like fate but a little late
To chase a dream you can’t create
Sure we could’ve made it to the end
But this I say in my defense

Guess time to go is time to grow
And time to challenge what you know
I’m not constrained by the constraints
That trap you in your fucking game

And I still hear him calling out my name
But those days are gone and time has flown
We’ll never ever be the same

You had your tears for all your fears
I had to take the wheel and steer
This was all I had and it was getting faked
No time to learn from your mistakes

So we packed our bags and let you drive
Was I gonna wait till I survived?
With all the hazards up ahead
What could I have done instead?

Calling
Calling out
Calling
Calling me down

So hold my hand
We’ll take a bow
The world can do without us now
When the curtain’s open for another show
You could give a call but
But I’ll just say – Hey
I’ll just say – Hey, It’s over.

Thursday's Euphoric Melancholia

I miss Soundgarden! One of those bands that kept me up during my high school days. It was actually Chris Cornell's Euphoria Morning that made me remember the good old Soundgarden. I adore Chris Cornell. Genius! I am not much of an Audioslave fan but i got their new album, great songs, Dandelion's my favorite. I'm listening to Spoonman now, "save me, i'm together with your plan" I never mellowed. i'm not sure if i ever will.

God, it's already December. Got my ticket already for my vacation. The ticket price made me curse the government's expansionary fiscal policy. Damn! E-vat - Tax You! (with my middle finger straight out) I'm trying to supress my excitement because i may run out of it when it's time for me to go home. Hah! I miss my parents. I long to see their faces when they fetch me in the airport. they usually wake up at around 4am to prepare. I love them! My mom's got her feet broken from our slippery veranda last July; stayed at home for a month and experienced boredom for the first time in her life. I called her up frequently and she complained about not having anything to do but count the falling leaves in our old mango tree. I told her just imagine how i felt after college when i stayed home and decided living hermit-like for eight months. Books, music, and coffee saved my life then. God, felt like yesterday!

After two geological ages, i finally found Chris Cornell's Sunshower and downloaded it. I adore the song. It's one of the songs in the Great Expectations' Soundtrack. The song is sad but sweet at the same time, "cuts like anguish, or recollections of better days gone by..." Been playing the song whole day with some audioslave tracks in between. It's 12:20, time to have some lunch of my staple food, that is wheat bread and chicken. still thinking if i will watch the NU rock awards tomorrwo. I still have some assignment in Mathematical Economics. Hah, i never thought there is such an existing subject as this. so melancholic.

But it's alright, all we will be we are today.

Predictable

Music Video Codes by FreeVideoCodes.com

STARS

I love stargazing. Unfortunately, I can't do this much often now here in Manila since the sky here is obscure, may stars pa bah sa San Juan? I miss Kabankalan with all its laid-back vastness and clear sky (big dipper north of nowhere). I've been watching switchfoot's star video for two weeks now that made me salivate to score their new album soon: Nothing is Sound. Stars is a clever song. i love the guitars, i love the lyrics, i love every part of it. the lyrics are so honest; kun sa ilonggo pa, igo gid bala haw! "maybe i've been the problem, maybe i'm the one to blame, maybe i'm overcast..." i think most of us are like that, thinking that the center of the universe is on us. but then it also talks about our world in the perspective of the stars looking down on earth - but when i look at the stars, i feel like myself." when we look at the stars it makes us realize how small and insignificant we are in the light of the infinite...whew! I'll buy the album this evening. I can't sleep... i can't wait!

when i look at the stars, i feel like myself.

Smoking Thoreau

As i was looking back on the past obscure days of September, Thoreau's words keep me up, "I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his/her dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he/she has imagined, he/she will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He/She will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he/she will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he/she simplifies his/her life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."

Will rise like a phoenix!

Time, Is Never Time at All Without Leaving a Piece of Youth...

I had this sudden urge last night to dig some old records long kept in the closet. It was right in there, contained in my old converse chuck Taylor shoe box, so nostalgic. Got hold of the Melloncollie and the Infinite Sadness album of Smashing Pumpkins, my God, that was 1995, still in high school and addicted to Billy Corgan. For whatever reason, Zero became an anthem, “I’m your lover, I’m your zero, I’m the face in your dreams of glass…wanna go for a ride?” it was so euphoric, just sitting in the floor, with Billy Corgan’s wail on the background, dreaming about better days… Wake up, wake up! I don’t know if I’m in a better position now to talk about the recent break-up of my four-year relationship. I’m trying not to be melodramatic you know. God, four years is relatively long. Ours was really a tough case to break, what can I say. For all its worth, no regrets, I think I can bet my life in saying that I really loved well, even beyond myself. I did everything that I can do, even turned around several times just to make it work. but then it’s a relationship, and if the other one stop relating, the end is inevitable. We really had good times together though and maybe when we will look back from all these, I wish I will be remembered as somebody who sees through him and understands him, more than anybody does, and maybe more than he understands himself. Sorry to disappoint those who expect hateful words or curses and hell, I’d rather throw all those words in the black hole. I want to remember the good old person I used to know and fell in love with; simple, honest, and uncomplicated. I still say thank you. Until now, i could only say so much about its lessons, or just about its demise. May it be profound or mundane; I guess I'm learning, little by little, that we decide what our lives are going to be. Things happen to us, but it is our reactions that matter. I remember this episode in Felicity where Felicity’s high school teacher told her “I guess when your heart gets broken, you sort of start to see the cracks in everything. I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us, and that our mission is to never let it.” I don’t want to be hardened. I’d rather be whole than hard. As I look at myself now, I feel better, maybe because I was able to come out from all of these stronger and whole. I’m slightly bent but I hope into a better shape. I am still wearing the same sweet smile and the beautiful soul. It’s over and done and maybe when I look back about this, perhaps I will just say, “piece of cake.” God, I feel all grown up! I’ll get myself another cup of coffee.

More than caffeine

As i'm having my first cup of coffee for the day, i remember one of Ally Mcbeal's episode (as to Ally Mcbeal, it looks tacky pala when your already nearing 30 but still as neurotic as a 15-year-old trying to get laid, she's not cute na eh)anyway, in that episode, Ally said that your first cup of coffee for the day should be regarded as having a very engaging morning sex. in short, your sip should be slow, lingering, affectionate, almost euphoric...kape tayo!

Nahidlaw ko kay Nanay 

The Coffee Journey in My Strange Urbanity

In the small barrio in the south of Negros, where the crickets signals the coming of dusk, I first tasted my first cup of coffee. I was four years old then; all set for kinder, and can memorize few paragraphs of Mi Ultimo Adios without batting an eyelash. I can’t really remember why I was endeared to this black concoction at a young age, a bit bitter most of the time I can say. Maybe because my lola has a few coffee trees in the backyard, which never failed to bear fruit and when she cooked the dried beans, it always smelled so damn good. Yes, maybe it was the aroma of the coffee that it made it so tempting, or maybe something else.

I was left to the care of my lola until I was four. She’s really like my kindred spirit. Every time I wake up in the morning and smell the brewed coffee with lola’s voice in the kitchen, I know it will be a lovely day. I would make black coffee as morning soup mixed with rice and hotdog. I would drink milk after that. One thing I like about lola was that she doesn’t get angry seeing me drinking coffee unlike my parents who rage like hell. Several years after, I realized that it was not really all about caffeine but the comforting security I got from my lola, which I fondly associate with coffee.

Kindergarten days came in. I left the farm and stayed with my mother in the town. I never tasted any coffee in regular basis since then. I can say that my mother borders into being a health freak, milk twice a day, vegetables in every meal, and vitamins every evening. Maybe that explains why I’ve never been thin all my life. I could say that I nearly forgot coffee during those times. I discovered sophisticated games from my fairly affluent classmates, a far cry from the rowdy games in the back of the carabaos I had with my playmates in the farm. There I also discovered that I was quite advanced with some children of my age. I could retell the story by our teacher in almost the same manner as she does and could memorize poems faster than the ordinary. I had a relatively good memory back then.

Time slowly swifts by. High school was really a blissful and awakening journey. With the pressures to be always on top, the confusions of growing up, and the cry of a broken heart, I’d wish I could go back to the mundane experience of my childhood with me and my lola sipping our early morning coffee. But I know it could never be. The past can sometimes be recalled but never relived. When I entered fourth year high, my mother indirectly allowed me to drink coffee. It was a lifesaver. Maybe because she realized that my IQ could shoot high to 120 when I got a load of caffeine. I’m not sure if it’s psychological or what, but if I had coffee in the morning, I felt I could solve polynomials even with eyes closed. That was rather strange because I was not even good in math.

College drifts by so fast and so good that before I knew it was gone. I got my first taste of real independence, which made me see the world in its entirety. Friends claim that I’m a coffee addict. While others sip fruit juices or softdrinks, I would have a cup of cappuccino while savoring the poetry of Emily Dickinson and the philosophy of Nietzsche in alternate. In my study hours, there was always a mug of coffee with the wail of Billy Corgan in the background. I disagree that I’m a coffee addict. I love it but it doesn’t control me. I know that part of it was a connection from the past, of my mountain fairy days.

Few years after that, I found myself in the strange city, living with dormates with the same hormonal problems as mine, hanging out in bookstores reading spiderman comics for cheap thrills, and having the label, “just add hot water” in my daily meal. I’m out of college, living a relatively independent life, and receiving a constant, although “barely felt” paycheck. I could surely afford a coffeemaker now, but still haven’t got one because of sheer indolence. I think the Great Taste 3 in 1 is still unbeatable, always available and never lets me down. “So what’s with Manila that makes you stick to it?”, a friend asked me once. “Bloom where you are planted,” was my answer, even until now. So what’s my impression with life being a twenty-something urban-dweller? I think I’m still trying to discover life’s manifold possibilities and getting used to the idea that those manifold possibilities are actually limited. Meantime, I’ll sip my great taste 3 in 1 now before it gets cold.

Filler

I miss the burger and the fries soaked in cappuccino
All I have here are the melting chocolates to cure my melancholia
Do I look morbid like a wolfgirl out in the woods?
The fullmoon is far, meantime, I’ll sleep.

Sunny thoughts

To quote Yael, “thoughts in my head, they come and go but I don’t know.” It’s really interesting how people, in different place and situation, could actually relate to us on a certain level. My God, this is cosmic connection! I should see you play live!

My Not so Great Expectations

i don't know what to think. all of a sudden, the thing that i look up to with so much promise and hope scattered into pieces. the initial reaction is to resist it but then it gets harder everyday. and it's actually the getting to the point that is the hardest part. i just realized, after much whining and wallowing in misery, that it's just a transitory experience, not an end in itself. true, tears could make us see things far clearly, as far as a telescope. as what they say, when you look back after this, be kind. Kind of what? i think i'd rather smile with a middle finger straight out. Peace out, Rabbit!

My First Incubus Experience (without pun intended)

2004 was such a fast year. As I was thinking about the events that really made an impression, this one stands out:

I am an Incubus fan since 2000 but after knowing that they had been around since 1991, I sulked, “where I’ve been all along?” I got hooked when I first heard Pardon Me, a band with a DJ but doesn’t sound hip-hop and a vocalist with a distinctively edgy voice. With their melodic riffs come with a well-written lyrics that makes one really think. In the words of my friend Karen, “intelligently-written”. I could say, prolific. When “Drive” came out, I became an Incubus convert. The song turned out to be
my personal anthem. For a certain reason, I consider it a love song of some sort. It is a very positive personal song that holds an assuring promise, “whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there, with open arms and open eyes…” it says everything.

It was late December when I checked the Incubus website. There I learned that Manila was part of their Asian Tour for their new album promotion. In the heart of a fan like me, it was an exciting anticipation. Early January, Megalomaniac was released and heard on NU. Suffice it to say, it mirrors the entirety of their latest album. Late February, I got hold of their album “Crow Left of the Murder”. Karen was able to score the album first and she had a not-so-exciting review about it. Among all their albums, this one was the darkest, in terms of song writing and line-up, but I love the album. Maybe it is not as catchy as “Make Yourself” or “Morning View” but it has a trance-like addicting element in it that you could only get when you listen to the album over and over. Of course, Megalomaniac was a hit but tracks like Crow Left of the Murder and Talk Shows on Mute are also really good. I bought tickets two days before the concert and I find it hard to sleep since then.

Cursing the Manila Traffic
March 12, 6:30 PM –

The show will start at 8:30 but we have to be on the venue early. It was a cool date I could say for me and Mike, our first huge rock concert together, sweet! The traffic along Baclaran could make one down and drained but there was a radio on my head playing “Nice To Know You” that made me feel composed. In few hours time, I would be hearing Brandon Boyd live! The ever-adorable Brandon! I’m a fan! The venue was jam-packed! It was full of hormone-driven college kids wearing the Brandon Boyd impression, tattooed, anorexic, and all. Others have this punk-looking hairdo, which took three hours to finish. College kids are really dressed for the occasion. Karen said, pretend that you’re only 18. Hey, I never get old when it comes to this. As this say, once a rocker, always a rocker! It took us about thirty minutes to get inside only to find out that the stage was quite far. I thought with our ticket price, we could already get a good view. Nevermind. That was more than enough.

Megalomaniac Blast!
No other song could bring the crowd on frenzy than this. I could say a perfect way to start the night! The best thing about the concert was that there were no front acts. It started so sublime and fluid as only Incubus could deliver. Just the lead intro of Megalomaniac and the crowd was sent into trance. Body colliding jumping up and down, nevermind the thick dust, it made the mood even more exciting. Can’t believe I’m hearing Brandon live, it sounds like studio-recorded. God, they’re really good!


Hello boys and girls!
Brandon’s first greeting just melted me! Haaay! What’s even more exciting was that not only the girls were drooling over Brandon but even the guys are obsessed fans as well. Of course, Mike, Ben, Jose and DJ Kilmore have their own respective cult followers. DJ Kilmore is really talented, being able to experiment with the turntable, not just scratches, and being able to synchronize the effects with a kind of distinct mixture.

Stellar Line-up (in random order)
A Crow Left of the Murder – Of course, the title of their tour. One of my favorite tracks in their recent album. The crowd really knew the lyrics well. Sing with me now….un-learn me, ditch what I heard, hide what I learn…

Talk Shows on Mute – This song has a potential to become a national anthem for Incubus fans, “come one, come all, into nineteen-eighty four…” One of my favorite songs.

From the Morning View Album:
Circles – I like this song for its loud, edgy, and solid riffs.
Just a Phase - Brandon’s sexy voice was highlighted
Mexico
Nice to Know You – This song has a tongue-twister effect on me, “better see Gellar bending silver spoons, better see witnessing old nebulae’s in bloom. It took a while to make the lyrics sink in.
Wish You Were Here – for all the fans who were not able to make it in the concert.
Warning- One of crowd’s favorite songs and mine as well.

From the Make Yourself album:
Drive – but of course… one of their best songs ever.
Stellar – “take me in outer space…I will hold you close, if you’re afraid of heights, we can spend the night...” I don’t know but this song has an arousing effect of some sort… I wanna be stellar!

Most of the songs played were taken from their new album, which the hard-core fans really knew well. Well of course, the concert would not be complete without Brandon taking off his shirt. “Take it off!!” the chorus of fans screamed. Strangely, it did not only come from a blushing girls fan but also from the sturdy looking guys at the back. Hah!

The concert ended as good as it started. Hands down. Probably one of the best concerts I’ve experienced in my entire life. Fans came out of the venue looking frenzied, possessing the concert’s afterglow, which their ears and hearts could not contain. The night is still young and the stellar experience has just started.


The Morning After
As we’re heading home the morning after, Mike said, “Incubus still plays in my head.” Yeah, I know, it will always be.

minions of kurt 

Sullen thoughts at the Streets of P.Guevarra

The mind starts to fly when the heart was
consumed by loneliness beyond reason.
Tears are about to fall but are always stopped
by an unknown strength that makes the throat aches.
There is something wrong.
Something is missing, which have long been identified
but still afraid to recognize.
Will it make any difference if the
body is not abused by a void toil?
The thing is, it is here.
Happening in concrete clarity, 20-20,
though the eyes gets blurry with tiredness.
There’s no way of escaping it.
The loneliness, the tears that are about to fall,
the early morning thoughts of melancholy.
To face these would make the mind enduring
and the heart strong but skeptical.
No longer believes in the coming of a vibrant afternoon
like a 90-year old in the acacia tree looking at the horizon at 4.
Just embrace it as long as there’s air, water, light
and all surviving elements life provided as an excuse to make us hold on.
Just embrace it like a ten-year old girl freely
inhaling the smoke from Grandma’s tobacco.
Not knowing that continuous exposure would kill her in the end.
Still, that girl has a choice. To inhale grandma’s smoke in the sala or
to go out of the house, stare at the sun and blind her eyes.